Monday, July 12, 2010
我要的自由
fall sick again... till todate, i'm still vomitting every intake of food i had. I'm slowly getting very very weak. I guess there ain't enough food to convert to energy and each day it is getting more frequent of me feeling giddy and fainting. i dunno if i was too sad to accept the food and feel nauseas at the sight of it or......anyway, for the past 3 days, i hadn't been able to drop a single tear. 我麻木了吗？还是想通了？but i feel extremely miserable inside. i hated the sight of him... i still couldn't understand, how did he do it? can i just be like him and let go everything and pretended they never happened overnight? how did he do it?!
他怎么学着忘记我们的日子？怎么忘记他病倒时，我在他身旁的日子？怎么忘记我们牵着手，笑着做我们喜欢做的东西的日子？怎么忘记我们躺在对方的身旁看星星的日子？他怎么做到的？
i dreamt of him every nights and it's driving me crazy... these few days i've been wondering, cld things be different if he didn't went taiwan for reservice? cld things be different if I didn't have depression? or cld things be different if he hasn't seen her that day? thinking of things that i could never find an answer... if only god could just bring me back to times...
i'm so tired... i feel crushed. i feel aimless... pointless... i know i was told he is not worth my love. i know i was told he's not the one for me. i know for his pride, possibilities of us being back together is almost 0%. but why couldn't i be like him? why can't i just forget as fast as he could? overnight.
he probably won't miss me any further... becoz of someone new? i'm just like an outdated gadget, thrown.
that night i cleared my things out from his room... the last tight hug, the last kiss, the last goodbye... if 'last' was never invented. if 'ending' was never invented. at least, not invented for the good things.
or... if only 'ending' applies to me as easy as it was for him.
Tiggy's gone. My hubby met in an accident and passed away... His body was so destroyed it couldn't even be found. I love him with the whole of me and i miss him terribly. I still rmb telling him when i woke up one day that our son's name will be starting with initial 'R' and our daughter's name starts with 'T' and I love the name 'Tiara'. Tiggy smiled and said "傻瓜..." but sadly, a dream unfulfiled... Tiggy I've be strong when you're not around... but if one day you found your way home, rmb Bunny never leaves...
If god wants me to exchange half of my life for a happily ever after with him, I would. No matter if roads gonna be tough, 跟着他命会很苦 or even if I'm not gonna be rich. I'm willing to. If I live up to 90 years old and god let me live happily with him till 45, I am willing to. as long as the love is true and we both are happy. 别说我傻了... 有人说爱情就是可以这么美丽，这么伟大。
Misery. Life is unpredictable. It's time I push misery to the corner of my hearts and live in happiness for the sweet memories. God & Angels, Pls gimme the strength to do so.
Tiggy I miss you.
|by ~* Bunny *~ at 8:31 PM|
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